Perfect Love Casts Out All Fear

An excerpt from Ann Voskamp's best seller One Thousand Gifts.  These words spoke comfort to my heart and reminded me of  God's love for me......Hope they do the same for you.

The Farmer = Ann's husband
Eucharisteo = Thanksgiving, Grace, Joy. (Greek)


     "My baby is five. She fell asleep in my arms after the close of dinner prayers, us still seated at the table, and I hold her long after the Farmer has put the rest of the tribe to bed, her curls damp and etching into my skin and I don't move. Her face is turned toward mine, broad and open, eyelashes whisper of gold.  I trace her lips, gentle curve of all things beautiful. The way her eyes danced today, soul light, the arch of her eyebrows and that lyrical laugh, heaven's echo that entirely undoes me. Her breath is warm on my face, all that is alive and warm and breathing inside of her now, falling upon me, and I capture it, hold it, this, her life now, me in this moment. She is leaving me, she's growing up and moving away from me, and she stirs and I sweep back the crop of the golden ringlets. Stay, Little One, stay. Love's a deep wound and what is a mother without a child and why can't I hold on to now forever and her here and me here and why does time snatch away a heart I don't think mine can beat without? Why do we all have to grow old? Why do we have to keep saying good-bye?
     Again I refuse to walk the bridge into tomorrow's unknowns, and I shame the Bridge Builder with my worries, my demands to just let me stay here, or go back , but no, not to go on, and again He comes to carry me flailing and anxious.
     Am I always the atheist in Arms, me the believer who doesn't believe?
    And He soothes His own restless child in arms with the whisper, law of the universe that He's writing deep into this heart: Eucharisteo always precedes the miracle, child.
     And the chin trembles and I stroke her cheek, her body leaning back against mine, and I tentatively open the hand to receive the gift of now..... I name the now gifts and I await the miracle.
     That button nose. I touch a finger to its tip and smile. I gaze long, memorizing.
     That sprinkling bridge of freckles. I brush my finger across them. These, these I will remember
  The way that singular curl spirals over her ear. The way it winds like silken staircase, on and on and on. And I lean over and the lips seal the delicate spot on her forehead with a long kiss, her skin berry wine and I feel Him, His kiss of tender truth:
     All fear is but the notion that God's love ends. Did you think I end, that My bread warehouses are limited, that I will not be enough? But I am infinite, child. What can end in Me? Can life end in Me? Can happiness? Or peace? Or anything you need? Doesnt' your Father always give you what you need? I am the Bread of Life and My bread for you will never end. Fear thinks God is finite and fear believes that there is not going to be enough and hasn't counting one thousand gifts, endlessly counting gifts, exposed the lie at the heart of all fear? In Me, blessings never end because My love for you never ends. If My goodnesses toward you ends, I will cease to exist , child. As long as there is a God in heaven, there is grace on earth and I am the spilling God of the uncontainable, forever-overflowing-love-grace.
    I wrap a thread of her curls around a finger. I stare into that face conceived in love, reflecting love, and I feel His fall soft on me. I am a child in His arms and His breath falls warm upon my face and what I feel for this daughter He feels for me, and the gifts, all these gifts I keep counting, they are His love gifts and they're slowly waking me up to the tenderest, fiercest Love of all.
     Cradling this child, her eyelashes fluttering, her breath rising and falling in sure and steady rhythm, I know it in the pulsing, real, surest kind of way: "Perfect love casts out all fear." His love had done that.
     The table still needs to be cleared. The bowls washed. The bread put away. Snow falls in the dark, white on a barn roof. I can't imagine what deeper layers of my wounds eucharisteo will gently peel back to heal, but I take her sleeping hand and trace the lines of her skin and I keep on counting blessings to keep on walking out into the unknown.
     I clutch soul bread and a Perfect Love that knows no end."

Slow Down Mommy

Slow down Mommy, there is no need to rush,

Slow down Mommy, what is all the fuss?

 Slow down Mommy, make yourself a cup tea.

Slow down Mommy, come spend some time with me.

 Slow down Mommy, let's pull boots on for a walk,

Let's kick at piles of leaves, and smile and laugh and talk.

Slow down Mommy, you look ever so tired,

Come sit and snuggle under the cover, and rest with me a while.

 Slow down Mommy, those dirty dishes can wait,

Slow down Mommy, let's have some fun - bake a cake.

Slow down Mommy, I know you work a lot,

 But sometimes Mommy, it's nice when you just stop.

Sit with us a minute, and listen to our day,

Spend a cherished moment,

Because our childhood won't stay.

 ~ R. Knight

March 2011

Working 9 to 5

Actually my hours will be 8 to 3:30. After 9 1/2 years as a Stay-At-Home Mama, I'm going back to work. Mixed emotions is an understatement of what I am feeling lately. I am more than excited about my upcoming new job. Without a shadow of a doubt I know this is God's timing, His provision, His direction, part of His plan for my life, and I am so ready for this. I am going to be the new Kindergarten Teachers Assistant at Life Center Academy and I am thrilled. I will be working for/with the fantastical Sue Cole (Sis. Cole). She taught both Ian and Ryan in Kindergarten and IMO we already have a good relationship. I have a feeling, us working together, all day, every day, will be more than just a working relationship. I sense a kindred spirit friendship brewing. August 15th is my first day, the count down has started.....

So why am I feeling so up-side down? Because after 9 years this has become my way of life, and it is about to change. The part I am having the hardest time with is giving up my "SAHM" position. I've been so proud that I've been home with and for my boys. And while the house HAS NOT always been tidy and something delicious has not always been baking in the oven, I think I've done pretty good at this job. Diapers, check. Nursed all three boys, check. Late night feedings with one eye opened, check. Potty training, check. Laundry, dinners, baths, bedtime stories, songs of comfort, soothing a teeth-er, watching angels sleep, Cheerios, Gold Fish, sippy cups, pacifiers, drooling bibs, feety pajamas. Check, check and check. Firsts. First smiles, first giggles, first steps, first words, first "Mama"'s. Every first, I was right there, for each of my darling little boys. The highs and lows, we've done it all. And my heart is overwhelmed with joy and thanks to my precious Lord who granted the desire of this young girls heart. I always wanted to be a Mama and in 9th grade when we were supposed to be deciding what career we wanted to go into to, I decided I wanted to be a Mom and a Wife. So faithful, God has been so faithful to me. My cup runneth over with memories and floods with peace over these past 9 years. Lots of mistakes were made, but so, so, so many things done right. My boys knew I was here, that I was never far. The trust I saw in their baby boy eyes, I still see in their 9, 6 and 3 year old eyes. Things will change, but I still will never be far.

Literally, I won't be far.....Ian's 4th grade classroom will be right above where I will be. Ryan's 1st grade classroom will be right next door to where I will be. And Nolan's pre-school classroom will be in the building right next to where I will be. And the cherry on top, Chris Owens, (my crush ;) will be working in, out, and all around the building where I will be. Wow, God is so good to me. All four of my heartbeats will only be a heartbeat away. God knows, He knows me. He knows my every need. Stay-At-Home Mama I will no longer be, what I will be, I can't wait to see......