Perfect Love Casts Out All Fear

An excerpt from Ann Voskamp's best seller One Thousand Gifts.  These words spoke comfort to my heart and reminded me of  God's love for me......Hope they do the same for you.

The Farmer = Ann's husband
Eucharisteo = Thanksgiving, Grace, Joy. (Greek)


     "My baby is five. She fell asleep in my arms after the close of dinner prayers, us still seated at the table, and I hold her long after the Farmer has put the rest of the tribe to bed, her curls damp and etching into my skin and I don't move. Her face is turned toward mine, broad and open, eyelashes whisper of gold.  I trace her lips, gentle curve of all things beautiful. The way her eyes danced today, soul light, the arch of her eyebrows and that lyrical laugh, heaven's echo that entirely undoes me. Her breath is warm on my face, all that is alive and warm and breathing inside of her now, falling upon me, and I capture it, hold it, this, her life now, me in this moment. She is leaving me, she's growing up and moving away from me, and she stirs and I sweep back the crop of the golden ringlets. Stay, Little One, stay. Love's a deep wound and what is a mother without a child and why can't I hold on to now forever and her here and me here and why does time snatch away a heart I don't think mine can beat without? Why do we all have to grow old? Why do we have to keep saying good-bye?
     Again I refuse to walk the bridge into tomorrow's unknowns, and I shame the Bridge Builder with my worries, my demands to just let me stay here, or go back , but no, not to go on, and again He comes to carry me flailing and anxious.
     Am I always the atheist in Arms, me the believer who doesn't believe?
    And He soothes His own restless child in arms with the whisper, law of the universe that He's writing deep into this heart: Eucharisteo always precedes the miracle, child.
     And the chin trembles and I stroke her cheek, her body leaning back against mine, and I tentatively open the hand to receive the gift of now..... I name the now gifts and I await the miracle.
     That button nose. I touch a finger to its tip and smile. I gaze long, memorizing.
     That sprinkling bridge of freckles. I brush my finger across them. These, these I will remember
  The way that singular curl spirals over her ear. The way it winds like silken staircase, on and on and on. And I lean over and the lips seal the delicate spot on her forehead with a long kiss, her skin berry wine and I feel Him, His kiss of tender truth:
     All fear is but the notion that God's love ends. Did you think I end, that My bread warehouses are limited, that I will not be enough? But I am infinite, child. What can end in Me? Can life end in Me? Can happiness? Or peace? Or anything you need? Doesnt' your Father always give you what you need? I am the Bread of Life and My bread for you will never end. Fear thinks God is finite and fear believes that there is not going to be enough and hasn't counting one thousand gifts, endlessly counting gifts, exposed the lie at the heart of all fear? In Me, blessings never end because My love for you never ends. If My goodnesses toward you ends, I will cease to exist , child. As long as there is a God in heaven, there is grace on earth and I am the spilling God of the uncontainable, forever-overflowing-love-grace.
    I wrap a thread of her curls around a finger. I stare into that face conceived in love, reflecting love, and I feel His fall soft on me. I am a child in His arms and His breath falls warm upon my face and what I feel for this daughter He feels for me, and the gifts, all these gifts I keep counting, they are His love gifts and they're slowly waking me up to the tenderest, fiercest Love of all.
     Cradling this child, her eyelashes fluttering, her breath rising and falling in sure and steady rhythm, I know it in the pulsing, real, surest kind of way: "Perfect love casts out all fear." His love had done that.
     The table still needs to be cleared. The bowls washed. The bread put away. Snow falls in the dark, white on a barn roof. I can't imagine what deeper layers of my wounds eucharisteo will gently peel back to heal, but I take her sleeping hand and trace the lines of her skin and I keep on counting blessings to keep on walking out into the unknown.
     I clutch soul bread and a Perfect Love that knows no end."

Slow Down Mommy

Slow down Mommy, there is no need to rush,

Slow down Mommy, what is all the fuss?

 Slow down Mommy, make yourself a cup tea.

Slow down Mommy, come spend some time with me.

 Slow down Mommy, let's pull boots on for a walk,

Let's kick at piles of leaves, and smile and laugh and talk.

Slow down Mommy, you look ever so tired,

Come sit and snuggle under the cover, and rest with me a while.

 Slow down Mommy, those dirty dishes can wait,

Slow down Mommy, let's have some fun - bake a cake.

Slow down Mommy, I know you work a lot,

 But sometimes Mommy, it's nice when you just stop.

Sit with us a minute, and listen to our day,

Spend a cherished moment,

Because our childhood won't stay.

 ~ R. Knight

March 2011

Working 9 to 5

Actually my hours will be 8 to 3:30. After 9 1/2 years as a Stay-At-Home Mama, I'm going back to work. Mixed emotions is an understatement of what I am feeling lately. I am more than excited about my upcoming new job. Without a shadow of a doubt I know this is God's timing, His provision, His direction, part of His plan for my life, and I am so ready for this. I am going to be the new Kindergarten Teachers Assistant at Life Center Academy and I am thrilled. I will be working for/with the fantastical Sue Cole (Sis. Cole). She taught both Ian and Ryan in Kindergarten and IMO we already have a good relationship. I have a feeling, us working together, all day, every day, will be more than just a working relationship. I sense a kindred spirit friendship brewing. August 15th is my first day, the count down has started.....

So why am I feeling so up-side down? Because after 9 years this has become my way of life, and it is about to change. The part I am having the hardest time with is giving up my "SAHM" position. I've been so proud that I've been home with and for my boys. And while the house HAS NOT always been tidy and something delicious has not always been baking in the oven, I think I've done pretty good at this job. Diapers, check. Nursed all three boys, check. Late night feedings with one eye opened, check. Potty training, check. Laundry, dinners, baths, bedtime stories, songs of comfort, soothing a teeth-er, watching angels sleep, Cheerios, Gold Fish, sippy cups, pacifiers, drooling bibs, feety pajamas. Check, check and check. Firsts. First smiles, first giggles, first steps, first words, first "Mama"'s. Every first, I was right there, for each of my darling little boys. The highs and lows, we've done it all. And my heart is overwhelmed with joy and thanks to my precious Lord who granted the desire of this young girls heart. I always wanted to be a Mama and in 9th grade when we were supposed to be deciding what career we wanted to go into to, I decided I wanted to be a Mom and a Wife. So faithful, God has been so faithful to me. My cup runneth over with memories and floods with peace over these past 9 years. Lots of mistakes were made, but so, so, so many things done right. My boys knew I was here, that I was never far. The trust I saw in their baby boy eyes, I still see in their 9, 6 and 3 year old eyes. Things will change, but I still will never be far.

Literally, I won't be far.....Ian's 4th grade classroom will be right above where I will be. Ryan's 1st grade classroom will be right next door to where I will be. And Nolan's pre-school classroom will be in the building right next to where I will be. And the cherry on top, Chris Owens, (my crush ;) will be working in, out, and all around the building where I will be. Wow, God is so good to me. All four of my heartbeats will only be a heartbeat away. God knows, He knows me. He knows my every need. Stay-At-Home Mama I will no longer be, what I will be, I can't wait to see......

When I was a Child......

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.

When I became a man/woman, I put childish ways behind me."

1 Cor. 13:11

Maturity, it's a beautiful thing. It changes you, makes you think more clearly, usually makes you a better decision maker. I need a little lightheartedness in my life right now so I am going to talk about being childish.

In 3rd or 4th grade, when "failure notices"
 were my biggest worry in life.

In 3rd-5th, at The Kings Christian School, started my struggle with academics. I couldn't quite keep up with the other kids. It didn't help that my best friend, Susan Wright,  and I were more concerned with boys and goofing off than school work. We used to clear out throats to get each others attention. Yes, I know, very clever. "Failure Notices" were issued mid-way through the marking period. They are now called "Warning Notices" or "Progress Reports". Telling a kid they are failing now a days is taboo. When the notices were being sent home, I would watch the mail that whole week. When I saw something from the school I would take it and open it. Usually, it wasn't good news. Ahh, my nemisis Math! I would hid the notices in the trash can, never showing my parents. For some reason this one time I got a great idea. I took the failure notice upstairs in MY PARENTS bathroom. (Ohh, I was a smart one!) And I crumpled it up and flushed it down the toilet, envelope and all. And it clogged their toilet. DUH! Caught red-handed. Can't blame a girl for trying.



In 6th grade, with my BFF Stacey Joy,
 about the time of the Big Lie

My sisters and I were all born in Philadelphia. We moved to Willingboro, NJ when Brenda was a baby and we moved again when I was going into 6th grade to Mt.Ephraim, NJ. When we lived in Phila we were friends with a family down the street who had a lot of kids. And a Saint Bernard dog. I remember the dog stunk up the house. My sister Sarah was good friends with one of their daughters, Lillian and when we moved to Willingboro Lillian would come and stay with us for a good portion of the summer. From row homes in Phila, to a big house with a big yard and lots of green grass, and a pool around the block at the school. Going to Vacation Bible School and getting dressed up in  my sisters dresses for church was magical for her. She was one in a big family and with us she felt special because we looked up to her. When we moved to Mt. Ephraim Sarah was going into 8th grade. She got a letter in the mail from Lillian. My dad put it on the kitchen counter waiting to tell Sarah when she got home that Lillian had written her. I got home from school first and saw the letter. I was a nosy and impatient little one, so I took the letter and went in the bathroom. TORE it open, not even trying to be neat. I read it and stuffed it back in the enevelope. Since my dad was waiting to tell Sarah she had a letter from Lillian he noticed it wasn't on the counter. He's asking me where the letter was, I'm lying saying I don't know. He's getting mad telling my mom he left it right on the counter. He starts to realize I must have taken it and asks me again where it is, I lie again. He turned his back and I threw the letter behind the counter. Then in a minute or so I nonchalantly 'find' it behind the counter. "Here it is!" I handed it to my dad and he asks why is it ripped open. Oh, crap. I forgot about that. I told him I didn't know. He wants to know if I opened it, no I tell him. Then how is it ripped open? Beats me. You know if Judge Judy was on TV back then I may have realized what she says is sooo true. "If something doesn't make sense, it's probably because it's not true!" Liar, Liar pants on fire.

Alright, last story. We spent a lot of time in church as little kids. Maranatha Tabernacle, I loved that church. We had a lot of good friends from church. I loved watching the families. I remember there were two sisters, one was a blonde and one a brunette. They were in about their 20's and both single. The blonde was heavier and prettier than the brunette sister. The brunette sister was slim with not as pretty of a face. I used to think if they switched heads one sister would look perfect. Shallow, shallow child I was. I also used to think (apparently before I knew specifics about the birds and bees) that the number of kids a couple had was the amount of times they "did it". So I would look at families around the church and think, "They have 3 kids, they did it 3 times." or, "They only have one kid, they only did it once." 

So you see, when I post all the ridiculous things my boys do and say, it's all just PAYBACKS!

Slow Ride....Take it Easy

"Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me.

I cannot think of  a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry.

 But a thousand broken missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing.....

Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away."

Ann Voskamp from her book One Thousand Gifts

Hurry. We all do it. Rush, rush, rush. Everything is an emergency. There will be times I will catch myself fussing at the boys as they get in the van to hurry up and go faster. Why? Why am I rushing through life. Impatient, I am an impatient person. I couldn't wait to get married, couldn't wait to have babies, can't wait to see who my boys turn out to be. SLOW DOWN! In reading this poetic and gentle book by Ann Voskamp about living life fully, right where you are, I am noticing things more. Looking around and taking joy in the moment.  All of my boys are growing, changing. It hurts, but I don't want it to. I want to slow down, take it in stride and ENJOY the ride. I am THANKFUL, for each moment I've had in my life. The painful times, the difficult times, the growing times, the joyful times, the beautiful times. "This is where God is. In the present. I AM.-His very name."~Ann Voskamp. In every moment of my life, God is there. I AM. I may notice him more in the marriages, the births, the joyful milestones. But He is in the broken places too, in the failure, the loss, the deaths. I AM, God with us. Never leaving, never forsaking.

"See! I Will Not Forget You. I Have Engraved You on the. Palm of My Hand." Isaiah 49:15

"When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows." ~Ann Voskamp

Say The Name

Say the name of Jesus, no other name I know
that can calm your fears, and dry your tears,
and wipe away your pain;
When you don't know what else to pray,
When you don't know what else to say,
Say the Name

I had a very heart warming moment at church this morning. We actually made it there early enough to hear a few worship songs and not just the last one. Turns out we need a full 2 hours to get ready on a Sunday morning, who knew? Anyway, I was standing there with my boys and I almost could see myself through the years, as a child, as a teenager, in worship services praising the Lord. I felt myself at Maranatha Tabernacle, in the old sanctuary, seeing my mom worship and clapping our hands. It brought tears to my eyes thinking of the heritage I grew up in. Then standing there with my own children, repeating the process, it really was an emotional moment for me. It was like, layers upon layers of Sundays, of worship songs, hands raised high, saying the name of Jesus.

Easter Sunday 1981, before church

I used to think that people who were dramatically "Saved" out of a life of sin had such powerful testimonies which caused them to live their new Christian life more passionately then those Christians who grew up "in the faith". And there is a lot of truth in that. But for someone like me, I have an amazing testimony too. I've been protected and sheltered, a lot of that was my upbringing, but a lot of it was my choices through the years. I chose, with my free will, to do my best to walk the straight and narrow road. Those choices have protected me and sheltered me. My life today is blessed. My heart is not lost and alone, my Jesus is my friend, my protector. I thank God for my mother bringing us to church, training us up in "the way". I am not interested in apologetics, defending my faith and debating religious issues. I know what I believe. I know the lives I've seen changed and TRANSFORMED, you can't argue with a testimony. Sometimes it can be so clear. If your eyes aren't darting from this person to that person, judging and condemning.

Easter Sunday 1984, before church

"And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

Micah 6:8 

Could it really be that simple? More and more I am thinking, YES. I remember Pastor Dave Boudwin saying that the Bible says the way of the transgressor (sinner) is hard. I had never heard that verse before. And it make sense. When I look back over my life, the hard times, in most cases, was when I was fighting to do my own thing.

"Good understanding gives favor: but the way of transgressors is hard."

Proverbs 13:1

For me and my family, we will continue to serve the Lord. We still have rough waters and everyday life issues. But when you know The Name, when you know where to run, when you know......

Easter Sunday 2010

Say the name of Jesus, no other name I know
that can calm your fears, and dry your tears,
and wipe away your pain, Say The Name

Easter Sunday 2011

Easter Sunday 2012

What Dreams May Come....

Dream A Little Dream of  Me

Sometimes I have such bizarre dreams I wake up thinking, "Thank God that wasn't real." I have a few re-accruing dreams that I have about once every week. I can only chalk it up to my life moved so fast that my sub-conscious is STILL trying to catch up.

The first re-accruing dream is about my Grandmom Fisher. This one I believe I dream b/c I feel things were ended much too quickly for her, almost accidentally, really. Her Dr. increased her coumadin medicine too much, which caused a brain hemorrhage. She called 911 and and then passed out. They had to axe down her front door to get to her. We all rushed to the hosp and my sister Sarah and I were able to talk to her for the one minute she woke up. They took her to surgery and she never woke up again. She lived in Phila and was going to come to live with my parents when she got out of the hospital, but that never happened. So I am constantly dreaming the exact same dream. We drive over the Tacony Palmyra bridge and we are in her house, in her kitchen, hugging her and asking ourselves why we waited so long to come visit her. And we make promises and plans for her to come live in NJ. It's a sweet but sad dream. A dream I don't really want to ever stop having.

I dream often of my Dad but they aren't always the same dream. It's always different scenarios and he is there with us, living and doing things. With dreams about him his presence is so real I wake up feeling like I've actually seen and touched him. I feel connected to him again. I don't want to ever stop dreaming of him either.

This one is another re-accruing dream I wish I would stop having. It's Chris and I not married and us desperately wanting to be married. At the end of the dream I always realize that we are married all along. It's like a cruel joke. I KNOW why I have this dream. Chris and I wanted to get married 6 months before we actually did. We wanted a fall wedding on Nov. 11th. I was the first of my sisters to get married and my mom, well she just wasn't quite ready for all that change. She asked us to wait. We told her we would wait 6 months until May,11th. We bring it up sometimes and kinda joke about it, but we still feel that desperation of wanting to be together and feeling like we can't be. Turns out years later my Grandpop Charlie DeGenova passed away on Nov. 11th, so it worked out for the better b/c our anniversary would be mixed with the sadness of losing him.

I think it's odd that we have no control over the dreams we have. I've woken up mad at someone I've had a fight with in my dream. I've woken up emotional or scared to death from certain dreams. Sometimes I have to wake Chris up and ask him to pray for me b/c I am so shaken by a dream. Those dreams were the worst when I was pregnant. If you have a re-accruing dream, share it with me on here. I am very interested in what others dream about over and over. Oh and Sweet Dreams.

Dream Catcher

"Dreams are successions of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations that occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep. Dreams mainly occur in the rapid-eye movement (REM) stage of sleep—when brain activity is high and resembles that of being awake. At times, dreams may occur during other stages of sleep. However, these dreams tend to be much less vivid or memorable. Dreams can last for a few seconds, or as long as twenty minutes. People are more likely to remember the dream if they are awakened during the REM phase. The average person has about 3 to 5 dreams per night. During a full 8-hour night sleep, two hours of it is spent dreaming. Dreams have been seen as a connection to the unconscious. They range from normal and ordinary to overly surreal and bizarre. The events in dreams are generally outside the control of the dreamer.^{" _Wickepieda}