Perfect Love Casts Out All Fear

An excerpt from Ann Voskamp's best seller One Thousand Gifts.  These words spoke comfort to my heart and reminded me of  God's love for me......Hope they do the same for you.

The Farmer = Ann's husband
Eucharisteo = Thanksgiving, Grace, Joy. (Greek)


     "My baby is five. She fell asleep in my arms after the close of dinner prayers, us still seated at the table, and I hold her long after the Farmer has put the rest of the tribe to bed, her curls damp and etching into my skin and I don't move. Her face is turned toward mine, broad and open, eyelashes whisper of gold.  I trace her lips, gentle curve of all things beautiful. The way her eyes danced today, soul light, the arch of her eyebrows and that lyrical laugh, heaven's echo that entirely undoes me. Her breath is warm on my face, all that is alive and warm and breathing inside of her now, falling upon me, and I capture it, hold it, this, her life now, me in this moment. She is leaving me, she's growing up and moving away from me, and she stirs and I sweep back the crop of the golden ringlets. Stay, Little One, stay. Love's a deep wound and what is a mother without a child and why can't I hold on to now forever and her here and me here and why does time snatch away a heart I don't think mine can beat without? Why do we all have to grow old? Why do we have to keep saying good-bye?
     Again I refuse to walk the bridge into tomorrow's unknowns, and I shame the Bridge Builder with my worries, my demands to just let me stay here, or go back , but no, not to go on, and again He comes to carry me flailing and anxious.
     Am I always the atheist in Arms, me the believer who doesn't believe?
    And He soothes His own restless child in arms with the whisper, law of the universe that He's writing deep into this heart: Eucharisteo always precedes the miracle, child.
     And the chin trembles and I stroke her cheek, her body leaning back against mine, and I tentatively open the hand to receive the gift of now..... I name the now gifts and I await the miracle.
     That button nose. I touch a finger to its tip and smile. I gaze long, memorizing.
     That sprinkling bridge of freckles. I brush my finger across them. These, these I will remember
  The way that singular curl spirals over her ear. The way it winds like silken staircase, on and on and on. And I lean over and the lips seal the delicate spot on her forehead with a long kiss, her skin berry wine and I feel Him, His kiss of tender truth:
     All fear is but the notion that God's love ends. Did you think I end, that My bread warehouses are limited, that I will not be enough? But I am infinite, child. What can end in Me? Can life end in Me? Can happiness? Or peace? Or anything you need? Doesnt' your Father always give you what you need? I am the Bread of Life and My bread for you will never end. Fear thinks God is finite and fear believes that there is not going to be enough and hasn't counting one thousand gifts, endlessly counting gifts, exposed the lie at the heart of all fear? In Me, blessings never end because My love for you never ends. If My goodnesses toward you ends, I will cease to exist , child. As long as there is a God in heaven, there is grace on earth and I am the spilling God of the uncontainable, forever-overflowing-love-grace.
    I wrap a thread of her curls around a finger. I stare into that face conceived in love, reflecting love, and I feel His fall soft on me. I am a child in His arms and His breath falls warm upon my face and what I feel for this daughter He feels for me, and the gifts, all these gifts I keep counting, they are His love gifts and they're slowly waking me up to the tenderest, fiercest Love of all.
     Cradling this child, her eyelashes fluttering, her breath rising and falling in sure and steady rhythm, I know it in the pulsing, real, surest kind of way: "Perfect love casts out all fear." His love had done that.
     The table still needs to be cleared. The bowls washed. The bread put away. Snow falls in the dark, white on a barn roof. I can't imagine what deeper layers of my wounds eucharisteo will gently peel back to heal, but I take her sleeping hand and trace the lines of her skin and I keep on counting blessings to keep on walking out into the unknown.
     I clutch soul bread and a Perfect Love that knows no end."

Slow Down Mommy

Slow down Mommy, there is no need to rush,

Slow down Mommy, what is all the fuss?

 Slow down Mommy, make yourself a cup tea.

Slow down Mommy, come spend some time with me.

 Slow down Mommy, let's pull boots on for a walk,

Let's kick at piles of leaves, and smile and laugh and talk.

Slow down Mommy, you look ever so tired,

Come sit and snuggle under the cover, and rest with me a while.

 Slow down Mommy, those dirty dishes can wait,

Slow down Mommy, let's have some fun - bake a cake.

Slow down Mommy, I know you work a lot,

 But sometimes Mommy, it's nice when you just stop.

Sit with us a minute, and listen to our day,

Spend a cherished moment,

Because our childhood won't stay.

 ~ R. Knight

March 2011

Working 9 to 5

Actually my hours will be 8 to 3:30. After 9 1/2 years as a Stay-At-Home Mama, I'm going back to work. Mixed emotions is an understatement of what I am feeling lately. I am more than excited about my upcoming new job. Without a shadow of a doubt I know this is God's timing, His provision, His direction, part of His plan for my life, and I am so ready for this. I am going to be the new Kindergarten Teachers Assistant at Life Center Academy and I am thrilled. I will be working for/with the fantastical Sue Cole (Sis. Cole). She taught both Ian and Ryan in Kindergarten and IMO we already have a good relationship. I have a feeling, us working together, all day, every day, will be more than just a working relationship. I sense a kindred spirit friendship brewing. August 15th is my first day, the count down has started.....

So why am I feeling so up-side down? Because after 9 years this has become my way of life, and it is about to change. The part I am having the hardest time with is giving up my "SAHM" position. I've been so proud that I've been home with and for my boys. And while the house HAS NOT always been tidy and something delicious has not always been baking in the oven, I think I've done pretty good at this job. Diapers, check. Nursed all three boys, check. Late night feedings with one eye opened, check. Potty training, check. Laundry, dinners, baths, bedtime stories, songs of comfort, soothing a teeth-er, watching angels sleep, Cheerios, Gold Fish, sippy cups, pacifiers, drooling bibs, feety pajamas. Check, check and check. Firsts. First smiles, first giggles, first steps, first words, first "Mama"'s. Every first, I was right there, for each of my darling little boys. The highs and lows, we've done it all. And my heart is overwhelmed with joy and thanks to my precious Lord who granted the desire of this young girls heart. I always wanted to be a Mama and in 9th grade when we were supposed to be deciding what career we wanted to go into to, I decided I wanted to be a Mom and a Wife. So faithful, God has been so faithful to me. My cup runneth over with memories and floods with peace over these past 9 years. Lots of mistakes were made, but so, so, so many things done right. My boys knew I was here, that I was never far. The trust I saw in their baby boy eyes, I still see in their 9, 6 and 3 year old eyes. Things will change, but I still will never be far.

Literally, I won't be far.....Ian's 4th grade classroom will be right above where I will be. Ryan's 1st grade classroom will be right next door to where I will be. And Nolan's pre-school classroom will be in the building right next to where I will be. And the cherry on top, Chris Owens, (my crush ;) will be working in, out, and all around the building where I will be. Wow, God is so good to me. All four of my heartbeats will only be a heartbeat away. God knows, He knows me. He knows my every need. Stay-At-Home Mama I will no longer be, what I will be, I can't wait to see......

When I was a Child......

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.

When I became a man/woman, I put childish ways behind me."

1 Cor. 13:11

Maturity, it's a beautiful thing. It changes you, makes you think more clearly, usually makes you a better decision maker. I need a little lightheartedness in my life right now so I am going to talk about being childish.

In 3rd or 4th grade, when "failure notices"
 were my biggest worry in life.

In 3rd-5th, at The Kings Christian School, started my struggle with academics. I couldn't quite keep up with the other kids. It didn't help that my best friend, Susan Wright,  and I were more concerned with boys and goofing off than school work. We used to clear out throats to get each others attention. Yes, I know, very clever. "Failure Notices" were issued mid-way through the marking period. They are now called "Warning Notices" or "Progress Reports". Telling a kid they are failing now a days is taboo. When the notices were being sent home, I would watch the mail that whole week. When I saw something from the school I would take it and open it. Usually, it wasn't good news. Ahh, my nemisis Math! I would hid the notices in the trash can, never showing my parents. For some reason this one time I got a great idea. I took the failure notice upstairs in MY PARENTS bathroom. (Ohh, I was a smart one!) And I crumpled it up and flushed it down the toilet, envelope and all. And it clogged their toilet. DUH! Caught red-handed. Can't blame a girl for trying.



In 6th grade, with my BFF Stacey Joy,
 about the time of the Big Lie

My sisters and I were all born in Philadelphia. We moved to Willingboro, NJ when Brenda was a baby and we moved again when I was going into 6th grade to Mt.Ephraim, NJ. When we lived in Phila we were friends with a family down the street who had a lot of kids. And a Saint Bernard dog. I remember the dog stunk up the house. My sister Sarah was good friends with one of their daughters, Lillian and when we moved to Willingboro Lillian would come and stay with us for a good portion of the summer. From row homes in Phila, to a big house with a big yard and lots of green grass, and a pool around the block at the school. Going to Vacation Bible School and getting dressed up in  my sisters dresses for church was magical for her. She was one in a big family and with us she felt special because we looked up to her. When we moved to Mt. Ephraim Sarah was going into 8th grade. She got a letter in the mail from Lillian. My dad put it on the kitchen counter waiting to tell Sarah when she got home that Lillian had written her. I got home from school first and saw the letter. I was a nosy and impatient little one, so I took the letter and went in the bathroom. TORE it open, not even trying to be neat. I read it and stuffed it back in the enevelope. Since my dad was waiting to tell Sarah she had a letter from Lillian he noticed it wasn't on the counter. He's asking me where the letter was, I'm lying saying I don't know. He's getting mad telling my mom he left it right on the counter. He starts to realize I must have taken it and asks me again where it is, I lie again. He turned his back and I threw the letter behind the counter. Then in a minute or so I nonchalantly 'find' it behind the counter. "Here it is!" I handed it to my dad and he asks why is it ripped open. Oh, crap. I forgot about that. I told him I didn't know. He wants to know if I opened it, no I tell him. Then how is it ripped open? Beats me. You know if Judge Judy was on TV back then I may have realized what she says is sooo true. "If something doesn't make sense, it's probably because it's not true!" Liar, Liar pants on fire.

Alright, last story. We spent a lot of time in church as little kids. Maranatha Tabernacle, I loved that church. We had a lot of good friends from church. I loved watching the families. I remember there were two sisters, one was a blonde and one a brunette. They were in about their 20's and both single. The blonde was heavier and prettier than the brunette sister. The brunette sister was slim with not as pretty of a face. I used to think if they switched heads one sister would look perfect. Shallow, shallow child I was. I also used to think (apparently before I knew specifics about the birds and bees) that the number of kids a couple had was the amount of times they "did it". So I would look at families around the church and think, "They have 3 kids, they did it 3 times." or, "They only have one kid, they only did it once." 

So you see, when I post all the ridiculous things my boys do and say, it's all just PAYBACKS!

Slow Ride....Take it Easy

"Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me.

I cannot think of  a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry.

 But a thousand broken missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing.....

Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away."

Ann Voskamp from her book One Thousand Gifts

Hurry. We all do it. Rush, rush, rush. Everything is an emergency. There will be times I will catch myself fussing at the boys as they get in the van to hurry up and go faster. Why? Why am I rushing through life. Impatient, I am an impatient person. I couldn't wait to get married, couldn't wait to have babies, can't wait to see who my boys turn out to be. SLOW DOWN! In reading this poetic and gentle book by Ann Voskamp about living life fully, right where you are, I am noticing things more. Looking around and taking joy in the moment.  All of my boys are growing, changing. It hurts, but I don't want it to. I want to slow down, take it in stride and ENJOY the ride. I am THANKFUL, for each moment I've had in my life. The painful times, the difficult times, the growing times, the joyful times, the beautiful times. "This is where God is. In the present. I AM.-His very name."~Ann Voskamp. In every moment of my life, God is there. I AM. I may notice him more in the marriages, the births, the joyful milestones. But He is in the broken places too, in the failure, the loss, the deaths. I AM, God with us. Never leaving, never forsaking.

"See! I Will Not Forget You. I Have Engraved You on the. Palm of My Hand." Isaiah 49:15

"When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows." ~Ann Voskamp

Say The Name

Say the name of Jesus, no other name I know
that can calm your fears, and dry your tears,
and wipe away your pain;
When you don't know what else to pray,
When you don't know what else to say,
Say the Name

I had a very heart warming moment at church this morning. We actually made it there early enough to hear a few worship songs and not just the last one. Turns out we need a full 2 hours to get ready on a Sunday morning, who knew? Anyway, I was standing there with my boys and I almost could see myself through the years, as a child, as a teenager, in worship services praising the Lord. I felt myself at Maranatha Tabernacle, in the old sanctuary, seeing my mom worship and clapping our hands. It brought tears to my eyes thinking of the heritage I grew up in. Then standing there with my own children, repeating the process, it really was an emotional moment for me. It was like, layers upon layers of Sundays, of worship songs, hands raised high, saying the name of Jesus.

Easter Sunday 1981, before church

I used to think that people who were dramatically "Saved" out of a life of sin had such powerful testimonies which caused them to live their new Christian life more passionately then those Christians who grew up "in the faith". And there is a lot of truth in that. But for someone like me, I have an amazing testimony too. I've been protected and sheltered, a lot of that was my upbringing, but a lot of it was my choices through the years. I chose, with my free will, to do my best to walk the straight and narrow road. Those choices have protected me and sheltered me. My life today is blessed. My heart is not lost and alone, my Jesus is my friend, my protector. I thank God for my mother bringing us to church, training us up in "the way". I am not interested in apologetics, defending my faith and debating religious issues. I know what I believe. I know the lives I've seen changed and TRANSFORMED, you can't argue with a testimony. Sometimes it can be so clear. If your eyes aren't darting from this person to that person, judging and condemning.

Easter Sunday 1984, before church

"And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

Micah 6:8 

Could it really be that simple? More and more I am thinking, YES. I remember Pastor Dave Boudwin saying that the Bible says the way of the transgressor (sinner) is hard. I had never heard that verse before. And it make sense. When I look back over my life, the hard times, in most cases, was when I was fighting to do my own thing.

"Good understanding gives favor: but the way of transgressors is hard."

Proverbs 13:1

For me and my family, we will continue to serve the Lord. We still have rough waters and everyday life issues. But when you know The Name, when you know where to run, when you know......

Easter Sunday 2010

Say the name of Jesus, no other name I know
that can calm your fears, and dry your tears,
and wipe away your pain, Say The Name

Easter Sunday 2011

Easter Sunday 2012

What Dreams May Come....

Dream A Little Dream of  Me

Sometimes I have such bizarre dreams I wake up thinking, "Thank God that wasn't real." I have a few re-accruing dreams that I have about once every week. I can only chalk it up to my life moved so fast that my sub-conscious is STILL trying to catch up.

The first re-accruing dream is about my Grandmom Fisher. This one I believe I dream b/c I feel things were ended much too quickly for her, almost accidentally, really. Her Dr. increased her coumadin medicine too much, which caused a brain hemorrhage. She called 911 and and then passed out. They had to axe down her front door to get to her. We all rushed to the hosp and my sister Sarah and I were able to talk to her for the one minute she woke up. They took her to surgery and she never woke up again. She lived in Phila and was going to come to live with my parents when she got out of the hospital, but that never happened. So I am constantly dreaming the exact same dream. We drive over the Tacony Palmyra bridge and we are in her house, in her kitchen, hugging her and asking ourselves why we waited so long to come visit her. And we make promises and plans for her to come live in NJ. It's a sweet but sad dream. A dream I don't really want to ever stop having.

I dream often of my Dad but they aren't always the same dream. It's always different scenarios and he is there with us, living and doing things. With dreams about him his presence is so real I wake up feeling like I've actually seen and touched him. I feel connected to him again. I don't want to ever stop dreaming of him either.

This one is another re-accruing dream I wish I would stop having. It's Chris and I not married and us desperately wanting to be married. At the end of the dream I always realize that we are married all along. It's like a cruel joke. I KNOW why I have this dream. Chris and I wanted to get married 6 months before we actually did. We wanted a fall wedding on Nov. 11th. I was the first of my sisters to get married and my mom, well she just wasn't quite ready for all that change. She asked us to wait. We told her we would wait 6 months until May,11th. We bring it up sometimes and kinda joke about it, but we still feel that desperation of wanting to be together and feeling like we can't be. Turns out years later my Grandpop Charlie DeGenova passed away on Nov. 11th, so it worked out for the better b/c our anniversary would be mixed with the sadness of losing him.

I think it's odd that we have no control over the dreams we have. I've woken up mad at someone I've had a fight with in my dream. I've woken up emotional or scared to death from certain dreams. Sometimes I have to wake Chris up and ask him to pray for me b/c I am so shaken by a dream. Those dreams were the worst when I was pregnant. If you have a re-accruing dream, share it with me on here. I am very interested in what others dream about over and over. Oh and Sweet Dreams.

Dream Catcher

"Dreams are successions of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations that occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep. Dreams mainly occur in the rapid-eye movement (REM) stage of sleep—when brain activity is high and resembles that of being awake. At times, dreams may occur during other stages of sleep. However, these dreams tend to be much less vivid or memorable. Dreams can last for a few seconds, or as long as twenty minutes. People are more likely to remember the dream if they are awakened during the REM phase. The average person has about 3 to 5 dreams per night. During a full 8-hour night sleep, two hours of it is spent dreaming. Dreams have been seen as a connection to the unconscious. They range from normal and ordinary to overly surreal and bizarre. The events in dreams are generally outside the control of the dreamer.^{" _Wickepieda}


Little Red Wagon

I was home alone with the boys, we were getting ready for my niece Abbey's 13th birthday party. The boys were playing outside while I finished some chores then we were going to leave for the party. I hear them going up and down the driveway in their wagon, I hear laughter and a few yells of un-fairness. A few minutes later Ian comes in the house rather sheepishly. He tells me they ran the wagon so hard into my flower planter they knocked it over dumping my newly planted light purple impatiens out. At first they just kind of put the flowers back in hoping I wouldn't notice, and then Ian tried to push the roots under the dirt. But a lot of impatiens were lost in the accident. Usually with reports like this I just fuss at them, it was an accident, not an intentional offense. But that day I cried, looked out the window at my planter and now pathetic impatiens and I cried. It mattered a lot to me. I took time to pick the flowers I wanted, got soil for my planter and I planted them in the special rows that my husband taught me to do. I watered my flowers and I was proud of them. Ian didn't really know what to say, other than he was sorry. I went into the laundry room to finish rotating the loads. Ian met me there with a note that said:

"I'm very sorry please forgive me for everything I've done rong. I've tried to help I really have
but whenever I do it just turns out rong. So please, please forgive me. Please.
From: Ian To: Mom."

He also emptied his wallet and gave me his $14.00 he was saving. And..........I cried again. Felt a little foolish that I got so emotional about the flowers, but eventually my heart remembered this verse....

"Unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains by itself alone: but if it dies, it bears much fruit."  John 12:24         

I've been talking to Chris in the past few week about how the boys don't respect my things, or what I do for them. We've been working on that with them and in this situation Ian showed me that he got it. It blessed my heart, he is teachable, he is compassionate. Chris took me to pick out new flowers and he re-planted my planter for me, better than it was. A simple, silly lesson to some, maybe, but not to this mother. To me it meant the world.

P.S. I gave him the money back.

One Day You Will Shine Again

My mom and her sister, Jeri. April 2011

*Update: For any who read this blog originally, here is an update on my Aunt Jeri. Her fight is almost over, it's in the Lord's time. She is living at Laura and Nick's house on hospice care. Jason and his girlfriend, Lisbeth, will arrive on Thursday from Maine. Katie's juggling work and visiting her mother. My heart is so heavy looking at these beautiful pictures and thinking of the frail, weak woman I just saw 2 hours ago. One year and 2 months time, that's all it took for the cancer to overcome her. Please keep our family in prayer. My mom is round the clock taking care of her sister. She sleeps on the couch at Laura's house hardly sleeping really, listening for her sister to rustle her covers or call out for a need to be met. My mother, right now, in my eyes is the epitome of this verse, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friend." John 15:13. My mom's whole world has stopped and nothing matters but her sister. Laura is there in the trenches day and night as well, all the while taking care and nursing her new baby boy. Strength, that is what I see, in the women in my family. Please pray for Aunt Jeri's children. Laura, Jason and Katie. My sweet cousins who we grew up so closely with. Watching their mother slip away, their mother who took care of their every need while they were babies. The woman who they watched fight her way back from the edge of her own personal destruction.  My heart hurts for them, for us all.

April 2011

 The day we found out Aunt Jeri had breast cancer
March, 2011

I was reminded of this song by TobyMac this morning when my friend Stacey sent me text that Toby was going to be on The View.  I have always loved this song but today it took on a new meaning for me. We got some pretty devastating news about my Aunt Jeri. I feel her in this song and I am hopeful that no matter what the outcome may be we ALL will shine again. 



You turned away when I looked you in the eye,

and hesitated when I asked if you were alright,
Seems like you're fighting for you life, But why? oh why?
Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare,
You saw it comin' but it hit you outta no where,
And theres always scars when you fall that far

We lose our way,
We get back up again
It's never too late to get back up again,
One day you will shine again

You may be knocked down, But not out forever.

This is love calling, love calling, out to the broken
This is love calling.
This is love calling, love calling,
I am so broken
This is love calling love calling.

Looking Ahead

Ian brought home from school a timeline of his life to come.

Looking Ahead

Tell what you think you will be doing at different ages as you grow older.

Age 13- Go to driving school



Age 21- Get Married

Age 30- Get some kids

Age 50- Get a job

Age 65- Kick my kids out

Age 80- Get very, very, very old. Die. RIP

Forever The One

This time of year always reminds me of when Chris and I started falling in love. Although we didn't start dating until the fall, spring is when the feelings started. Years ago a friend of mine who was single and feeling un-lucky in love asked me if all the stuff you hear about falling in love is true. The weak in the knees, the heart flutters, the shy smiles. For me it was. I had the perfect "falling in love" experience. Chris was my first love, my first kiss. The reason our beginning love was so sweet for me is because, Chris saw me. He saw past the sarcastic front and saw who I really was. He Chose me. And 18 years later (16 being married) we def don't live in that "falling in love" feeling, but it is easy to remember and cultivate those feelings. This song, by Bread is pretty much our story. We chose each other, both of us were hurting for different reasons and God brought us to each other. God saw the big picture of what the Owens family would be.

.

The Chosen One
I was your first and you were my last
And we are the journey's end

I was the blues and you were my sunshine friend

Now I'm your lover, you are my cover
Keeping the loneliness from me
You are my chosen one... arise and be the one
The chosen one
You are the sea and I am the sailor
Riding the perfect wave
I could've drowned but you came around and saved me

Now I'm your hopes and you are my dreamer
Helping me see beyond tomorrow
You are the chosen one... you'll always be the one
The chosen one

Out of the darkness, out of the shadow
Oh wherever you go, I'll follow along
Wherever you lead me, wherever you need me
I'll bring you my message, I'll bring you my song

You are the chosen one... arise and be the one
The chosen one

Darlin' I choose you, I'll never use you
I couldn't abuse you with all that you've done
You are my sunshine, you are my lifeline
Forever my sweet wine, forever the one

If you are reading this, take the time to re-kindle your "falling in love" memories.

Break out your old love songs and remember the feelings.

Beautiful Boy

"Lift up your eyes and look around; all your sons gather and come to you.

As surely as I live," declares the LORD, "you will wear them all as ornaments."  Isaiah 49

Ironic that I should find this verse today. This past week was a tough one for this ol' Mama. More times than I can remember I had all three of my boys swarming me at the same time. Nolan behind me hugging my neck and Ian and Ryan on either side of me. My boys definitely are my ornaments. Ian and Ryan had off of school this past week and they were bouncing off the walls here at home. Literally, there were moments the house was shaken. I started calling them a The Wolf Pack, they ran through this house sounding like a pack of wolves. I tired to take them somewhere every day, to give the house a moment to recover. Which worked as a good distraction but ended up with an exhausted and cranky bunch, including Mama.  And Ryan ended up with a broken finger. (Playing in the back yard at new cousin baby Nick's house my He-man Ryan decided it would be a good idea to pick up a 4x4 fence post and lean it back on the fence. He turned, the post fell, two huge goose eggs on his head and broken ring finger. He will be in a splint for 4 weeks.) So from all this I am left a little stretched thin. I miss my husband, I miss me, I miss free time. And I am already starting to miss Ian and Ryan! They have only been away from me for 4 hours at school, but my neck feels bare. I can't help it, I'm in love, oh and slightly insane.

I remembered this song by John Lennon that I intend to dance with each of my boys

on their wedding days. He wrote it for his son, Sean.

Close your eyes
Have no fear
The monster's gone
He's on the run and your daddy's here

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Before you go to slee
 Say a little prayer
                                                Every day in every way
          It's getting better and better

Out on the ocean sailing away
I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we'll both just have to be patient
'Cause it's a long way to go
A hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go
But in the meantime

Before you cross the street
Take my hand
Life is what happens to you
While you're busy making other plans

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Darling, darling, darling
Darling Sean


PopCorn Kernels

Wrote this in March 2009, Nolan was only one month old. Ryan was 2 1/2 and Ian just turned 6.

A must share story about the neglect I had for my second born. Being a middle child myself I have always had a soft spot for other "middles" and plan to be very aware of my little Ryan's feelings through the upcoming years......This is not a good start!

After a long and busy weekend of partying for Ian's 6th b-day, we were finally home and settled. Ian was asleep upstairs for school tomorrow. Chris was holding a sleeping Nolan and Ryan was with me in the kitchen while I was making Ian's lunch for school. I popped a bag of popcorn for a bed time snack for Ryan. I was on the phone with my sister Sarah and Ryan was sitting next to me on the couch eating his popcorn. I hear him saying my name and something about his nose. After a few times of saying my name, I finally looked at him and realized he was trying to tell me that he had a popcorn kernel up his nose! Yikes, I fished it out pretty easily with my fingernail, and laughed with my sister about how he had to call me a few times while I was blabbing to her......... Get with it mom! Umm Yeah, it doesn't end there......

So my sister Brenda can be kind of a spaz about germs and worrying about stuff. Sorry Bren, but its true. We often joke about it and I in particular get great enjoyment out of picking on her about it. Her son Noah wants the toilet seat washed off before he pees. And uses toilet paper to flush the toilet so he doesn't have to touch the handle....even in his own house! And he just turned 4! Chris tells a hilarious story about taking Noah to the bathroom at a restaurant and how Noah wanted Chris to hold him up to pee into the toilet so that he didn't have to touch anything. Funny, right..... well Brenda this "note" is to officially apologize for ever making fun of your over spazziness!

Chris came home this morning to re-fill his coffee (huge plus of living on the grounds where he works!) Nolan had a Dr. appt. which I was getting ready for. He is doing great by the way, and now weighing in at 6.10oz! That is what Ian weighed when he was born, haha! He is our peanut and we love him so much! Anyway, Chris helped me out by changing Ryan's diaper and dressing him. While he had him layed down for the diaper change, he noticed something in his nose. Looking more closely he realized he had a popcorn kernel up his nose! Jeez, then he looked again and noticed he had another one in his other nostril too! Oh my gosh!! I cleaned up the popcorn last night so I know he didn't put it there this morning. And the most horrible thing is last night I noticed while he was sleeping that he sounded stuffy. I thought he was getting sick and even looked for the saline nasal gel to put on his nose. But I couldn't find it and gave up looking. It was 4 am and I was so tired from nursing Nolan I just wanted to go back to sleep. (Pulling the sympathy card here people!) So of course as we tried to get them out with tweezers we pushed them up more. Chris had a great idea took and took a bobby pin and opened it and curved the end with pliers. He was able to get behind the kernel and scoop it out. So finally after a long night of stuffy wheezing Ryan could breath again!

So Brenda Ann, you may be a spaz but I know your kid would never go to sleep, let alone sleep the WHOLE NIGHT THROUGH with popcorn kernels up his nose! You have my permission, anytime I start to pick on you, just say two words to me.......Popcorn Kernels

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

 “The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”  Zephaniah 3:17

Had one of those heart to heart conversations today. The ones that bring up the truth of what you are really feeling, the ugly feelings, the hurt feelings. Unfortunately the conversation ended before the light of hope and peace of heart came. Driving on my way home I was hit with the truth. I believe lies. Lies about myself, lies about what or why I am feeling a certain way. Oh, how the father of lies is good at what he does.

For privacy sake I will not name my conversation partner, but we got ourselves in such a pity party about our looks, our weight, our age.....we were pathetic. We were blinded by appearances and forgot the truth. While looks do matter, and yes weight & health are a very important issue, and youth is often wasted, we are not pathetic. We are strong, capable, loving, giving, women. We were created with a purpose. We were created by the Creator of all the universe and we are beautiful.

My little boys love me so much. They want to be with me, hug me, kiss me, tell me I'm pretty,  the best Mommy, the best cook. I am blessed with how much they love their Mama. They are also honest and have noticed that Mommy is.... well.... lets say Pleasantly Plump. The F word (fat) is forbidden in our house. When ever this topic of conversation comes up about me or anyone, I ask my dear-hearts if they love me anyway. Do you love me even though I'm chubby? Am I pretty even though I am chubby?  I want them to grow up seeing past appearances. And like I said earlier, health is what matters in this weighty issue, and it is a lifelong battle for most of us, I am aware of that. But, the character, the soul, the heart, these are the things I want to teach my boys to SEE when they look at someone. The Real Beauty. The beauty that isn't applied like make-up or put on like clothes and jewerly.  The real beauty of a compassionate heart, a sensitive soul, and smile the shines because of the LIGHT within the heart.

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain    but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

You're Welcome, I'm sure

Can’t we drive down Oxford Ave, or take Cottman to the Boulevard?

Can we go to Snot Rite and swing by Dunkin Donuts for free coffee

and say, “Dunkin Donuts, it’s worth the trip.”

Can we hear about Father Otto

and Anna Werner again?

Do you have some bags for us to carry in or some fans to be cleaned?

Aren’t there some holly leaves to pick up or some

other leaves to be vacuumed?

Please, can’t we look through one more box?

Can we run the water upstairs or mop the floors?

Can’t we hear you say, “Yo, let’s go” or “Home James”

or how about “Don’t let the door hit you in the a**”

Or our favorite…. “I’ll make a nurse out of one of you yet!”

Can’t you call “Jo-Ann” one more time?

Can you tell us again about how you sewed the silk into ties and stood on your feet in high-heels when you should have been in school?

Can you holler at us for leaving too much tip?

Who will give me a hard time for coloring my hair?

Who will tell Brenda to get the hair out of her eyes?

Who will remind Sarah not to dress like a Quaker?

Who is going to yell at the boys for the “Grape Nuts” magnet?

 We didn’t get to see you wave goodbye….We didn’t get to say,

Thank you, one last time…… In our hearts we often

hear the faint whisper of, “You’re Welcome, I’m Sure.”

Re-vised, April 1, 2011- The 12^th anniversary of her passing

Happy Birthday GMF, Feb 26

Little People in the Tub

I wrote this about 2 1/2 years ago. It was good for me to read it again, things are a bit easier in the bath time routine now. Ian can handle it by himself now and the three of them won't even fit in the tub together anymore.
My little people are growing fast!

After dinner tonight I washed the dishes, bathed “Dirty Gert” and “Stinky Pete”. (Those are the names I call the boys when they need a bath.) Got their pajamas on, switched the laundry, nursed Nolan, bathed Nolan and put him to sleep. Got the boys to sleep, found clean work clothes for Chris, folded some towels and finally went to take a bath myself. Right before I went into the bathroom I said to Chris, “When they are asleep I feel like a good mom. When they are awake sometimes I don’t feel like I’m such a good mom.” With that on my mind, I kneeled down to lift the baby tub out of the big tub and I see, sitting on top of the blue Diego bath mat, all these “Little People”.  The Fisher Price “Little People.” There were about 10 of them sitting in the bottom of the tub. The boys like to play with them when they take a bath. Ryan lines them up on the little shelf for the soap and says, “Ladies and Gentlemen”, like he is announcing something. As I am taking them out of the tub I realize what the Lord had been trying to show me for about a week now. It hit me so hard it brought tears to my eyes. I am not going to have “little people” in my tub forever…. Soon my little people are going to be young men, taking showers, with hairy armpits and caterpillar mustaches. Deep voices (if they are anything like their daddy) are going to come out of my babies mouths and they will call me “mom” and not “mommy”. And soon after that they will only be showering at home on weekends home from college or holidays. Then probably never again will they be in my tub. They will have tubs in their houses that their new wives will have bought a shower curtain for. My boys won’t be my boys anymore…. They will be men.

Like I said the Lord started this revelation in my heart last week, it just took a while to sink in, I am slow, I admit it, and this isn't the first time I needed this reminder. A few of my “more experienced” mom friends (notice I did not say older!) were talking about laundry and how one day the laundry piles will be smaller. Thank you, Michelle, Teresa and Donna. And my friend Liza was able to stop by for a few mins. last wed. night and as she left she reminded me to “Enjoy the season, it goes by so quickly.” She is a mother of 4 boys under 10 years old, two of them are twins, wow! Sat. afternoon I was dropping Ian off at drama practice at church and my friend Michelle asked me how I was doing….Sat. was one of my “not my days”, and I don’t think I hid it from my face very well. She told me that it will get easier and how now she asks her girls to just sit and talk with her for a while. Then just yesterday my friend Connie commented on our new fence and how it reminded her of when her two boys were younger and would play outside until it was dark out. Now one of them is “A Marine!” (said like the Pink Ladies do in Grease). So all those nudges along the way brought me to the little people, I want little people in my tub for as long as they will fit. I wanted so badly to be a mommy; my heart ached for it before I became one. I don’t want to ruin one moment of time with my boys because it “isn’t my day”.

I was reading in my new favorite book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, called, ‘In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms” and these few lines hit me: “One day they can’t walk, the next day they’re running. One day they can’t talk, the next day they won’t stop. Everything they see, smell, hear and do is a new miracle-enjoy the ride, even though the house isn’t perfect and your neighbor has more jewelry.”

And it Sure Looks Bright

Song by Sara Groves

Spending my time sleep walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in

I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

I'm going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place
Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real until I'm truly amazed
          I'm going to feel all my emotions
I'm going to look you in the eyes
          I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes our lives

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

Fall in Love and you Fall Forever

Besides the birth of our Nolan Christian on February 14, 2009, my most memorable Valentines day was when I was in 4^th grade. The Christmas before Valentines Day Cabbage Patch Kids were hugely popular. That was the year parents were waiting in line and fighting over these dolls. My sisters and I wanted CPKids so badly. As a child I don't think I wanted anything more. Most of my friends at school had gotten one for Christmas and were bringing them to school. I loved how they looked, how they smelled, the were magical for me. Sadly my sisters and I didn't get ours for Christmas. My grandmother had hand made all the girls in our family cabbage patch kids and we got those for Christmas. And they were beautiful. We loved those dolls a lot, but they just weren't the 'dream'.

My mother always made Valentines day special, with hand made cards and cut out hearts and candy. But this certain Valentine's Day will be cherished forever. I remember walking into the kitchen before school and sitting on the kitchen table were 3 wrapped boxes. I knew right away what they were. The slight tilt of the box, the right size. I knew. I got her..... my Didi Pollyanna. Red hair in braids. Blue eyes. Dimples. White onesieswith little yellow flowers and a beautiful yellow sweater with rose buds sown on it. And yellow booties. I was in love. It turned out my parents had to go on a waiting list at Christmas time. I took Didi with me everywhere. School, church, friends houses. I was so proud to have my Cabbage Patch Kid. My sister Sarah's doll was named Carmella Lulu, she had brown hair in braids and a red dress with white shoes. My sister Brenda's doll was named Carrie, (can't remember her middle name). She had a brown hair in a ponytail and a yellow corduroy overalls.

Carmella, look-a-like

Didi Pollyanna, look-a-like

Carrie, look-a-like

As I grew Didi was replaced with the things that a little girl grows into.  One day years later I was cleaning my room and for some reason I decided to clean her face with nail polish remover. I wiped one of her eyes and it smeared. I tried to color it back with a marker but she never looked the same. She is still at my moms house and the grand kids pull her out every once in a while.

We still have this playpen at my moms

I will ALWAYS love Cabbage Patch Kids. I have bought one for every little girl in our family. Love like that is real and true.

We all also got CPK carriers

I think Brenda had this

Lydia & Nolan last yr on their 2nd b day with the Cabbage Patch Kids I got them

Dream Catcher

I found this poem when I was a teenager in a devotional book.

This poem has meant so much to me thru the years. I wanted to share it with you.

 

 I want to be a dream catcher
A person who can walk through trials without cringing in fear

or lashing out in anger when thing don't go quite right
I want to be a dream catcher
of dreams that are my own
 Free to dream them and change then because
the Lord knows I am growing and changing everyday
I want to be a dream catcher
 A person who won't stumble when pride sticks out its foot
I want to walk steadily on, my face toward the cross of Christ
I want to be a dream catcher
And though I'm jealous at times when I see my dreams caught by someone else,
The DREAM MAKER reminds me
Heaven will never run out of dreams

 

Booby Traps

The other day the boys were watching Little Einsteins on TV. I was on the couch folding laundry and not paying too much attention to the show. I hear Ian saying, “Booby trap?! That just sounds wrong.” The Little Einsteins were singing a song called “Booby Trap Dance.” Ian just couldn't wrap his mind around what a booby trap was and why in the world these cartoons were singing out boobies. Ryan, decided he was going to fill his big brother in.........He says, “A Booby Trap is when you are near someone who has boobs and your hand gets caught in between their boobies.”

So take this as a warning, be careful, pay attention, you don't want to get caught in a Booby Trap.

They don't call them 'Little Einsteins' for nothing.

How is it Between Us?

Sara Groves CD Conversations has really been speaking to my heart. It's been my 'cleaning the kitchen music' for the past few weeks. This CD is titled perfectly, practically every song is about something I've had a conversation with one of my friends about or have thought about. I love how she writes, she is so practical. With starting a new week this song came to my heart. Hope it speaks to you as well.

How is it Between Us?

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed, the wrong side of the room, the wrong side of the world.
Can`t put my finger on the mood. It`s not melancholy, anger or the blues.
I love my husband, my house, my job. Couldn`t be any better, and really what else is there?
Then I realize I`m forgetting God, and that`s the root of all my misery.
Lord, first of all, how is it between you and me? How is it between us?
How is it between us? When did I talk to you last, and what has happened since? How is it between us? How is it between us? When did I talk to you last, and what has happened?

When I wake up I am on my way, reinventing the wheel and saving the day.
I have learned this lesson a thousand times, I am the branch, and you are the vine. Apart from you we are mice and men, with our fancy dreams of grandeur and no way to get there.
Oh I can think about you now and then, or I can make a mark on eternity.
Lord first of all, how is it, between you and me?
How is it between us? When did I talk to you last, and what has happened since? How is it between us? How is it between us? When did I talk to you last, and what has happened?

So let the wicked prosper, let the oceans roar, let the mountains crumble, and fall into the sea.
There`s something more important weighing on my mind.

Lord first of all,

how is it between you and me? 

 

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